I have these moments where I want to say how I feel about some- thing that is happening in my life at the time, but instead of saying what it is that I actually feel I start saying things that are senseless or completely the opposite of what it is that I want to say.

I had a phone conversation the other day with my mom where she asked me how everything was going in school. While I was quickly thinking about my answer I noticed that saying that at that moment my school work was actually not going that well and that I had a hard time in finding a way to push myself to work and sometimes even had a hard time to enjoy myself was something that I could not find the right words for. How do you say this to someone that you want to impress and that you want to be proud of you? Apparently my relationship with my mother is not that strong that I am able to show her my week moments. Now is the question how this is possi- ble. Is it something that I have created for myself? The being of this strong character that cannot give in to her ‘failure’ so to say, and therefore just pretends that everything is going okay?

The fact that I want to appear as if I’m doing well to my mother, while I want to seem interesting and social to an other, though to somebody else and lovable to an other is weird way of representing yourself in relation to the other. In fact you can say that I have a different alter ego created in relation to the other person and the way I want to position myself in the image this other person has of me. This rises an other question, are the people that you think you know actually the people that they really are, or are they also an alter ego of themselves created by the way that you look at them?

SOMETHING I COULD NOT FIND THE RIGHT WORDS FOR // IM AM TRAPPED IN THIS GREY BUBBLE FOR THE PAST DAYS.
2016

Translation of my mental state of being lost, being trapped in a different grey world I could not escape from, to a physical suit to emphasise this feeling. And maybe get out of it. 

Full body suit and cap, filled with my own written texts.

Audio with my own spoken voice. 

I am literally trapped within my own thoughts and feelings. 

I notice for myself that I am trapped in this grey bubble for the past weeks. The feeling of being somewhere without actually sensing what is going on around you, mostly feelings and impressions related to the people that surround you is an alienated feeling. This presence a grey bubble around you where the influences and pulses form the outside world hardly reach you can work as a suffocating atmosphere, where it is easy to lose yourself in. The feeling of this misty wall around you can separate you from the people you love the most. How do you break this wall, and how can you prevent it from coming to you?
I notice for myself that I am trapped in this grey bubble for the past weeks. Trying to escape sometimes works, but how I do that is unknown. My dreams are becoming more real and I start remembering them, some- times mixing them with my real life. How do I know that what I think that is happening to me and my surrounding is what is actually happening at that exact moment? I realise that my interpretations can be so wrong, that I start wondering if all the interpretations that I had in my past were correct. Have I been living just to the way that I understand the world or is the world actually the place that I think it is?

Negativity is floating around in this place. I can also joint his float and make myself feel down, or
I can decide that i want to do it my way. Look at
all the obstacles as something good, and learn from it. I know we all have a lot of work to do, but if I continue to say this to others it does not mean that all of the sudden my work load will disappear, or become less. Work your ass of and don’t agree with anything you do is a disappointment for your- self. You wont learn anything. If you don’t enjoy or agree with anything that you are doing here, then why are you here in the first place?
How is it possible that if you think about it really, only the negative things stay with you when some- thing happens. Happiness can fade away and become less vibrant. But the negativity stays and can really bring you down.

I don’t care about anything that is happening around me anymore.

Am I disappearing in my surroundings?
I don’t know.

Altijd als ik ergens van geniet op het moment komt er een gedachte op mijn brein die mij het gevoel geeft dat er meer is, en dat ik niet echt aan het genieten ben. Dit zorgt ervoor dat ik ook echt niet geniet.

Iedereen is op zoek naar iemand, ben ik dat ook of heb ik gewoon zin in iemand die mij verteld dat het goed is? Ben ik op zoek naar iemand omdat de rest van mijn omgeving dat is, en ik daarom denk dat het zoeken normaal is? Waarom kan ik niet gewoon genoeg nemen met mijzelf, en moet ik perse iemand anders hebben die mij verteld dat het goed is?